How great is the love of a mother?
and..
How great can a mom be?

I don't know.
I never know what's a mother's love like.
except for my nanny.
my mom have too many kids, and i'm of those
she doesnt give damn.

i'm 21 this year, a girl who persuades a
stable life but failed to fulfill.

study- zero
career- zero
love- zero
money- zero

how pathetic can my life be?

0-3 years old my life was great living
with my nanny and father.
but ever since my mom brought me back
till 14, i always earn canning and beating
up. can't even persuade my love.
bearing almost 11 years of my stepfather's
violence.

crying? no, cause the heart is bleeding.

just because she made a wrong decision in
marrying my sister's dad, we're all put
down together. 11years with my stepfather
was unbearable and torturous, but
apparently my mom thinks it's what i deserve
at that time, but i don't.

she makes me and my elder sister take care
of my youngest sister, i did most of the job.
for 14years, i promise i done a good job,
but who remembers?

now, just because my mom wants a court
case with my stepfather, she's using the
times when my stepfather hits me to achieve
what she wants. telling me to write a letter,
in remembrance of the tragic times.
I'm suffering.

I gave up everything for this family,
giving in to my mother's command, and yet
she blames everything on me.
I lost two boyfriends already.
all the threatens she puts on me,
was as torturous as a person on hot charcoal.

14years of looking after my little sister,
a FUCK was what I really deserve from her.
it's OKAY. i'm okay..

everything my mom do, her business and
shops, i was ALWAYS there to assist.
and yet, she complains i disappoint her,
wasn't doing what she expects.
she doesn't inform anything in whole,
just expect you to think through
how she will expect it to be.

GOD,
i am tired, i am not the most unfortunate
person on earth, but you saw everything happened
to me. Telling others, they won't understand or
see everything that happened. Please, show
me some mercy I just want a peaceful life.
I am not healthy nor wealthy from the start,
just a peaceful family will do.
letting me live the life I wanted.


When good things come along, I wasn't a part
of it. When bad thing reaches, I was always
a part of it. Why?
I quit my job, to assist my mom..
wake up early 6.30am every morning to
chinatown manage the eating house,
cook.. cashier.. serve. can't eat properly
cant sleep properly, severe backaches
and yet i deserve "YOU'RE NOT RELIABLE"

she's a 55years old woman with eight kids,
and she wants her future.
I'm a 21years girl, with NO future.

the ONLY thing i wanted to give myself
was my taiwan trip, which I've been
planning very seriously.
but all she did was, "iam going to CUT ur pay"

sigh, life's unfair.
people who're too nice deserve to die.

she says no one understand her hard times,
who doesn't have hard times?
who's not tired?

i'm just too soft-hearted,
and i deserve to DIE immediately!
i hope i can see God tonight in my
dream, i believe He will have time for
me, to throw out my unhappiness.
God, I'll see you in my dream tonight
okie?
Blogged @ 08:36
Don't let me go -

awful day

i donno whats wrong with me.
honestly, i cant walk my life properly.
i am actually intending to work full time,
then find a part time job. then rent a
room outside.

now i am pulled down to bridal boutique
by my mom. i cant make a choice.
i cant bear to see people making their
choices, and i just have to watch.

i cant do anything, it sucha a big burden.
i just wanna earn lot of money and let
my mom stayed at home without worrying
about money.

i am trying my best.

and my sister, she can be rebellious
sometimes, i donno how to deal with her.
i tried not to shout at her, and yet she
shouted me. just very disappointed, she can
just hit my mom like that. when she gets
what she want, she don even cared
what she promise to do. kids nowadays...
and sometimes i don even bother taking
her out.

she can shout at me, telling me to get
out of the room, when i did nothing.
hais, sometimes life's hard.
everything is upside down, trying to
juggle with my life, making right choices.

i think i should really try hard, to be
an air stewardess, so i can get stable
income to stuck my mom at home.

hais... life's difficult. so difficult.
i can't rest now, just keep on going,
i guess...
Blogged @ 08:07
Don't let me go -

happy 2009!

it's a goodbye to 2008, things that
happened in 2oo8 make us give hope
to the year ahead of us.

it's a MOO-MOO year, hope that everyone
has the energy and strength like a
moo-moo to make 2009 a better year.

well, went to marina/esplanade to count
down, but before that we went to pizza hut
to have our dinner, was hj's treat.
thanks girl! all restaurants have their
long queue.

went to my mom's bridal boutique earlier
on, so classy. but i hope that this business
can bring us better living.

back to what i was saying,
we count down at esplanade, and my mom joined
along. then after that we sat at the
hawker store fer awhile, and my mom went home.
we were heading to wh house to play mahjong.
they walked from esplanade to boon keng,
wicked uh! we walked fer two/half hours,
and when we were at lavender, we took cab.

we played mahjong fer 6hours, we went home at
9am. haha, came home and slept till 4.
went down to bridal boutique, packing and stuff.
hy and hj came by and tried some gowns,
so pretty..

haha, it's been a tiring year for me..
and i sincerely hope that 2009 can be
a much better year fer me! haha,
nevertheless, i wish every single one
of you, prosperous, luck and healthy this year!


"it's another year passed, my love for you
has never changed"
Blogged @ 08:54
Don't let me go -

hard life...

maybe england's where i belong.
i learnt alot from these 7 months.

everyone's really moving on wit their lives,
i have to do the same. 2008's nearly over..
i am feeling rather tense. i've a very
big urge of crying.

i've no one to share my future with, just
perharp i've to make my world on my own.
on my long way home from boon keng, no energy
to play mahjong, just feel like going home.
didn't eat the kfc i bought, was too difficult
to swallow with sadness burping out my throat.

i knew tears was coming out, so i didn't turn
and say goodbye. listen to the saddest song i
could come out with, and cry alone to the bus
stop. thank goodness, i got on 31 with not alot
of people, i sat at the left corner of the last
row, where i always used to sit when k' is around.

uncontrollable tears accompany me
through the journey, i missed jiamin, ruilin jie.
i just wanna go back uk so badly. that's where i
belong and where i can see myself.
sending jm away, it's like sending my pillar of
comfort away.

liking a person, can be quite a hard thing in life.
in my concept dictionary, i will let others through.
i will matchmake the one i like, with someone else
than myself. i am just not selfish enough..
and i hope, they can be together.

i just wanna work hard, and go back to the place
i belong and find myself back.
the place to live here's also a big problem.

i think crying alone is my biggest comfort.
i want to go sleep.

"sometimes, i also want to be that little girl
under your arms and comfort, but i know i won't
be YOUR little girl, goodbye"
Blogged @ 08:32
Don't let me go -

a long memorable breezy christmas

christmas eve,
was a day full of surpise and fun.
let me start from beginning..

i went to work, supposedly, everyone
should just receive their xchange gifts,
but somehow my colleague all dig their
pocket fer presents. i pre-prepared some
also. but when i reach office, my table
was full of present. touch* awww...

everyone was in xmas mood, as everyone
was awaiting fer the buffet. was a busy
morning, need to complete my work though.

the food was good, and receive one fifty
dollar taka vouchers and one twenty dollars
isetan voucher from bosses. very contented.
so blessed.

went home at 1.30pm, sat train tgt wit my
colleague, germaine. i went home, got my
stuff out. and went to bathe and went to
meet huijing at her house.

we sat a bus to plaza singapura, meet wenhan
to go eat manhattan which i own wenhan.
the christmas was delicious, but expensive.
then we went to sing kbox at cineleisure, walk
there drenched.

oh well, nice singing session. after singing we
went esplanade, and walk all the way through clarke
quay, pass by my bro's workplace, waved to him.
haha, he's surpised. well, he was working very
hard.

we walked all the way to boat quay where all the
clubs are, and count down to xmas there.
then started super texted everyone, merry xmas.
went liang court's mac, sat down fer a drink, then..
took a cab to wenhan house fer three player mahjong.
well, it's kinda of fun u noe.

then we play till 4am, i treat them to mac's
breakfast and reach home at 5. wash up, and turn
in.

then i woke up at 12 plus, receive alot of msg,
and calls. whaha, stayed home"... then went out
wit huijing. we went to cathay fer a walk, we
went to have ben&jerry. then we walked to heeren
to shop.

around 6, we walk back to ps to meet wenhan fer
movie at 7pm. we watched bedtime stories..
i would say four stars. i expect it to be much
funnier than bolt.

anyway, met huiyi after tat. fer quick dinner at
long john. then the quarrel begins..
well.. regarding that day. nothing much to say.
i will of cos forgive and forget fer the very
last time. becos i don wanna end friendship,
nearly the end of the year.

TGIF, know what it means? in UK, it means
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY. just have to work today
and it's weekend. i wan to spend my weekend
sleeping. i need to recover from my pimples,
eye bag and loads.

back to work le, i hope everyone had fun yesterday.
and..

wish all of you luck, happiness and prosperity
in the upcoming 2009! moooo mooo, it's the year
of the COW!


"i never regretted loving you, you were my life
last time.. but now i guess you're just an
acquaintance like i never expected"
Blogged @ 09:50
Don't let me go -

my longest anger..

i broke my record, i am angry at someone
fer more than three days.
let's elaborate, shall we?

practically, i was suppose to have a
wonderful weekends, but unfortunately some
freaks just ruining it.

when i ended work on friday, my brother called
me, telling me there's four free tickets to go
watch fareneheit. i was very interest. so i caled
xiuling along. we were rushing, and i took bus to
tiong bahru and got up on green line to go kallang.
reaching tiong bahru, i was feeling uneasy.
afraid that i might see the person i don wish to see.
then my phone was dying on me. my bladder was
triggering. met xiuling at station then we took
a cab to indoor stadium. and my brother was there
too. he was irritated by the fact that his legs
were too long, and he stucked.

then i went to get my tickets. then leisure park
fer dinner. we went in first, well apparently..
there's this crazy loud fan sitting next to us.
swinging her lights, shining "fen lun hai".
pathetic. we were entertained by her all night.
fen lun hai, were good. their performance was
excellent.

sent xiuling her to the cab,
then i went to meet my god sister, and my brother
at the 24hour mac nearby, which i spend 30min
looking fer outside the damn cold night.
went back to my god mother's house fer the night.
woke up in the morning, acc her to the market.
they brought me to breakfast, i was damn fulled.

then went back, have a great 3hours nap.
good nap, damn awesome. woke up, rush home, changed
and went to shirleen's wedding with my both
sister. btw, shirleen's my senior back in st. margs
and she's my sister's close friend.

it was grand at novotel hotel. the ballroom's
very classy. the food was very appetizing until
someone ruin my night.

i was suppose to meet huijing they all at clarke
quay at nine. receives no. of calls saying that my
hy and her boyfriend is fighting. they kept calling
and calling, so i stopped, and rush over by cab.
huijing brought me to them. iam trying to knock
some senses and maturity into their heads.
EVERY single time, we come out they have to FIGHT.
100% guranteee chop must fight. if u
don have the abilityto be in a r/s,
then don't! wtf, saying those hurtful
words and regret it.

while i was telling them off, that boyfriend starting
shooting me like it's my damn fault. he said like
it's all my fault they fight. he was so agitated that
he shouting at me and saying me CHEE BAI.

all i done for them and to them. i don't deserve that
word out of their both mouth. i can forgive easily,
but not this time. that word coming out of his
fcuking mouth, is lighting the fire even more.
it's five of us, they fight, three of us have
to be the sacrific lamb. they think everything has
to be about them. always about them.
all of us were pissed off by their childishness.

they can fight, and get everyone involved,
then seconds later, they're back loving again and
pushing us away. really, fucked up.
i have never been angry at someone fer so long.
i experience my first time, and the fire's still
there. and it's uncomfortable. i find it hard
to forgive, after 12years of good friend we are..
i am just a word to describe, 'chee bai' .

i don't need appreciation, i don't need praises,
just respect.

i should really stopped being so nice. i will
trying my fucking best to stop being so nice.
after that words spoken. i brought the rest.
continue our programme, leaving the two freaks there.

went club, at rebel. music was ok, but not good
at the middle. wenhan treated us to 'street' like
hk cafe. the food was ok, playing zhang dong liang's
concert was pretty heartwarming. at least i rest
my anger at that moment.

wenhan left us to meet his friends, cos he find
rebel's music and light was harming. but
he treat us to drink at mac's, really appreciate his
givings.

went home at 4, reached home. slept. woke up at 9,
when to nanny's house, eat then went out wit them.
to buy sofa. then toa payoh to take a walk. then
we kovan. it was really fine day, i enjoyed myself.
they purchased quite alot of things, and treat me
to alot of things. they're my life greatest
debtor. kindness i can't think of how to repay.

went home at ten. bus journey was long but
comfortable. thinking of going kbox on xmas
eve. it's time to enjoy..

i will start accompanying my other friends.

those friends "hy and samuel" can go on with
their childish life without sparing thoughts fer
others.



i wanna end this year, happily (:
Blogged @ 21:43
Don't let me go -

fever, sore throat and terrible flu


flu's really hunting me this time, heavy fluid.
causing my breathin problem. i took mc today,
one part of it is, applying visa to uk and really
ill.

this morning, really frustrating. i was actually
on time fer the 238bus, but some kind of traffic
restriction, it's only one side operating.
i board the bus at 08.24am, but the bus took a
big old round at lor 8, reach central at 08.52am.
it's so freaking awesome, so i decided not to go
work.


these few days, i really wanna study. but just
feel like sleeping more than studying.
after iwent embassy, i went home and took a good
nap and watch tv. then i went polyclinic to see
a doctor. polyclinic, what does it mean?
= cheap clinic. i told the doctor i am ill, he
just asked me, "need mc right? ok, pay at counter
8". fed up, then i went kopitiam bought something
to eat fer lunch.

meet xiuling fer dinner last night, it seem like
we haven't meet fer years, haha. she's look good
to me, and she's also blissfully in love with
her 3years boyfriend. so envious, wish her luck.
and do hope fer more meetup, ... fer more gossip.

i am actually reading a storybook, twilight.
i am so influenced by robert pattinsoon, he's just
so affectionate, cool, good looking and charming
at the same time. i don usually like angmoh,
i guess he's the one and only type. many
people can't believe i am actually reading a
storybook. it's surpising to my both sisters.
but i only take time fer the book i like.
like twilight saga books, it's going to be
a collection fer me.


well, i am pretty tired easily nowaday,
which mean i am turning in.
life's still pretty boring. just live it.
Blogged @ 08:58
Don't let me go -